The Loss

IT IS A SHATTERING BLOW when someone dies whom you love.  Whenever and however death comes, it brings with it intense and painful feelings.  Each and every loss is personal.  We are all unique as are the relationships we share with others.  Although bereavement affects us in very different ways the experience of others may help us to acknowledge and face the reality of our own feelings, while reassuring us that coping with the loss in our own way are acceptable and normal.

The initial feeling following a death may be one of numbness and disbelief.  This feeling may last for weeks/months/years.  It may help you to cope with tasks that need to be undertaken.

In the early days, family and friends often provide support and encouragement, but gradually they need to return to their own lives.  This can leave you with an overwhelming sense of the reality of your loss.  With this reality can come distress, sadness, physical pain, crying and sobbing. Your self-esteem and confidence are rocked and you are left yearning to return to life as it used to be.

There may be real fear and bewilderment at the strength of your feelings.  Anger against God, the hospital, and the doctors.  Bereavement can be followed by a continuous and disbelieving search, but we cannot get them back, and we are left feeling frustrated and angry.

No one is left untouched by bereavement, each member of the family will be affected, to a greater or lesser extent, each will want to help and support the others but each will have an uncertainty of how to do this.   Each person will react to, and will deal with their feelings, in different ways.  Perhaps by discussing your own worries with a friend, counsellor, or doctor may help you find ways of helping yourself as well as your family.

Your life is shaken up by the loss; your physical health may suffer, with frequent panic attacks, loss of appetite and sleep, nausea, aching limbs etc.  If this state continues over several weeks it is advisable to visit your doctor.  Whatever you do, try not to neglect yourself, allow time and space for the grieving process.

There may be a feeling of no longer being part of the normal world but rather you now belong to a race apart.  People's reactions to you have changed overnight because of their embarrassment and uncertainty.  They may expect and want you to come to terms with your grief more quickly than you feel able to, or they may simply be feeling powerless to remedy your loss.  

Remember that whatever you are personally feeling – it is right for you, it is completely normal and you will eventually learn to cope with this tragedy no matter how you feel right now.

People from other cultures may well deal with death in ways that seem unfamiliar.  People in different parts of the world have developed their own ceremonies and ways of mourning.  Some see death as part of a circle of life.  Some rituals or ways of mourning may be public and demonstrative, others may be quiet and private, and some may have fixed times whilst others do not.  Whatever way a person chooses to express their grief, you can almost guarantee that the feelings differ little.

Children themselves may not always comprehend the implications of death or bereavement, however they still feel loss in much the same way, they will still grieve and feel distressed.  Their period of mourning may be shorter than adults.  Children may feel responsible for the death of a sibling and may need a good deal of reassurance.  Young people may not speak of their grief because they can’t find the right words or because they do not want to make the adults around then feel worse.  The grief of children and adolescents and their need for mourning should not be overlooked when someone has died. 

Family and friends can be of most help by spending time with the bereaved person.  Being there during painful times, listening to them and sharing good and bad memories shows you love and care for them when words are not enough.  Don’t tell people to pull themselves together or that life goes on.  Allow people to mourn in the way that is right for them.  In time they will get over it but right now they may cry, scream, repeat the same stories a lot or simply be quiet.  If you don’t know what to say or how to help, tell the bereaved person, this allows them the opportunity to tell you what they need.  Don’t avoid talking about your loved one that has died, this will only add to your feelings of isolation and grief.  Remember that birthdays, anniversaries and holidays can be sad and lonely times – friends and relatives can make a special contribution on those occasions.